Tom’s Crisis

A middle aged man faces a dilemma he never expected.

Tom cursed. He’d never imagined in the beginning that it would come to this. His 50th birthday was drawing close, and he knew his wife and children were arranging a party for him. One of his friends had let slip that there was going to be a big get together, and that Suzanne, his wife, had been in touch with a save the date nearly 12 months ago to make sure everyone could make it. Now here he was, laid in a hotel bed beside Sarah, a beautiful 18 year old, having just had the most enjoyable sex of his life, talking about his plans for his birthday.
Sarah had just declared that she wanted to do something special for him too. Not a party.. well, not a big party.. just the two of them, but something fabulous that would make his 50th birthday the best he had ever had.
And so his mind was churning. How could he let her down? How could he let his wife and family and friends down? How could he have what he really wanted, this gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, vivacious girl, without destroying all the things he needed; his support, his nest, the people who loved him most?
As the day drew closer he became more tense, having not found a way to tell either of his partners that he wouldn’t be seeing them on his birthday. He kept encountering sudden silences and switched conversations when he walked in to rooms at home. His children were fizzing with contained excitement, seemingly ready to burst. They’d asked him if he wanted to have a quiet meal with just them and their mother on his birthday, the four of them celebrating his half century in a low key family way, fitting for a man his age. They’d barely managed to hide the smiles that came with the little white lie their mother had asked them to tell.
At the same time his messenger app had been buzzing with messages from Sarah, mostly hinting at the long list of things she planned to let him do with her, along with side references to him needing to bring his credit card to make sure everything could be paid for. As arousing as it was to read her messages, they ramped up his anxiety over what to do when the day finally came.
Tom’s mind churned through his dilemma, while his emotions swung between excitement, shame and guilt. Could he somehow give an excuse to his wife and children, something that would get him out of a ‘family meal’ but would allow him to head out to meet Sarah, or could he postpone Sarah’s plans perhaps to make room for both celebrations?
He found himself preoccupied, every time he had a moment in his own thoughts the question came up again. He felt so torn, so at odds with himself, and what he thought he was. How could he have put himself in this position? He was angry at himself, and with Suzanne, and with Sarah. This inner struggle wouldn’t be happening if Suzanne had embraced herself as a wife, rather than fall so quickly and remain so solidly fixed in her role as mother. He’d found himself resenting his children for the effect they’d had on his marriage, as amazing as it was to be a father and to be raising two incredibly energetic and vibrant life forms.
His anger at Sarah stemmed from her willingness to receive his flirtatious banter at the trade show they’d met at, her excitement at having exchanged business cards, and that first email she’d sent asking if he had time to fit in an introductory sales meeting. If she’d just left well enough alone and done what everyone else does at those shows - discard the piles of cards and brochures on a shelf or in a drawer and forget about them until the day they start clearing out to move to a new position.
Of course, the only justifiable anger was his anger at himself. His anger at allowing a young woman to catch his attention, at allowing his ego to be massaged by her bright attentive eyes and her warm smile. He was a fool, but in the same breath he faced half a lifetime of being a dependable, sensible, responsible husband and father. Approaching 50 he had thought his enjoyment of his own life was over, and that his happiness would from here on be brought about by the success and safety of his family. He hadn’t dreamed for a minute that he could capture once more the excitement, arousal and sheer joy of dating, and of sex. He felt powerful and attractive when he was with Sarah. He felt manly. As ridiculous as it sounded in his head, she gave him something that his family couldn’t, a reminder that he was a man, an attractive, virile, desirable man.
And so, when his birthday came, he faced his choice. Every thought in his head was shouting responsibility and steadiness, be the rock for your family, be everything they need, and be that man. But every dream of his heart was whispering softly in his ear that he needed her, he needed love, and passion.
He clenched his fists beneath the kitchen table while Suzanne served out the kids’ breakfasts. ‘Kids, Suzanne, I need to say something.’
‘We know, Dad, you’re fifty and you’re feeling old and decrepit and you don’t think you can get by without a walking frame anymore!’ The children laughed long and hard as his face resisted showing the pain their impudent joke caused him.
‘Not quite, but thank you both.’
‘What is it, Tom?’ Suzanne asked.
‘I’ve had a lot to think about the last few weeks, and I’ve come to a decision overnight, a decision that’s going to change the way we are as a family.’
‘What is it?’ Suzanne looked concerned.
‘I’m going to be your father, children, I’ll always be your father, and I’ll always love you and support you, but I can’t live with you anymore.’
Suzanne cried out in shock and sat down, pressing her face into her hands and weeping mournfully. The children sat holding their breakfast spoons, looking from their father to their mother over and over.
A tears welled in Tom’s eye. ‘I’m no longer in love with you Suzanne, not in the way that I was, and that I want to be. I love you, I love our family, I always will, but in a caring, paternal way. I don’t feel towards you what I used to, and I think it’s best if I leave so that we can discover a way to be parents and a family but not be together in marriage.
‘Children, I think it’s best you go upstairs and find yourselves something to do.’ Suzanne’s voice cracked as she spoke.
‘No, Suzanne, this is for the four of us to deal with together. The children are old enough to understand what’s happening and it’s important that we face this as a family. It isn’t me versus you, this isn’t a battle, or a fight, not from me anyway, I just need to be honest with the three of you and face up to the way I’m feeling.’
Suzanne held her head again and cried, and the children both got up and put their arms around their mother.
Tom sat quietly, crying himself now, and looked at the family he’d just broken. He felt his heart crumble inside his chest and his tears streamed down his cheeks now.
He felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and he breathed in deeply before taking it out.
‘Sarah - new message’ presented on his Lock Screen.
His thumb unlocked the phone and brought up the message.
‘Happy birthday Daddy’, it said, and as he read it, a picture arrived of her sitting on her bed cross legged and wearing just a pretty pink vest and shorts. Her eyes were glistening with excitement and her smile was wide.
‘I’ll see you later’, he tapped, with an unsteady thumb, followed by a heart emoji.
He turned his phone down to the table and looked across at his wife and children. His face flushed and he breathed deeply, steeling himself.
‘I’m sorry, I’ll get some things and give you some time to digest what I’ve said.’ He stood up and stepped away from the table, but not before the children came to him and wrapped their arms around him.
‘It’ll be ok, Dad’, one of them said, ‘we love you too.’
Tom hugged them, touched his wife’s shoulder apologetically and walked from the kitchen. He packed a few things in an overnight bag and stepped out of the house into the cool spring morning.